Strength in Numbers

((image via))

Remember this handsome little thing that made me smile?

Well, our family is asking for your prayers.

Little Ethan stopped breathing for a bit yesterday,

and is in ICU at Texas Children's Hospital

as of now.

I just ask that you keep

Ethan in your thoughts and prayers today

& I will update as soon as I know anything.

I wish I were this cute

((image via WeHeartIt))

When I'm grumpy and such.

I dont know what my issue is this morning, but I'm no fun.

SERENITY NOW!

Just wanted to pop in and let you know that I'll post round 2 of my King Cake giveaway tonight!

Ice Ice Baby...

TOO COLD!

(Y'all already know how I feel about ridiculous weather)

The past two mornings as I stood at the end of my driveway, frantically clawing ice off my windshield with my pasty white bare hands in an effort to not be late I thought to myself, "I may not be up with all those new-fangled northern weather gadgets, but don't they make some sort of device to do this crap?"

((both photos from my windows this morning))

2010: I Resolve...

((image via WeHeartIt))

I resolve to be of substance.

I resolve to do things that scare me.

I resolve to be less harsh when it comes to others.

Reflections of a Blogger

As I jump from blog to blog today, I cant help but fall in love with each and every reflection on the past year. Some of your farewells to 2009 have made me laugh, while some have made my heart ache with sadness. It seems - to put it bluntly - that the last half of 2009 was a helluva bitch to a lot of people.

While I could sit here (literally minus the pants and procrastinating on getting ready for my NYE plans) and detail what I've gone through as a daughter, as a sister, as a granddaughter, as a friend, as a girlfriend...I'm not quite sure this is the place for it all. Those beautifully chaotic ups and downs are written in my heart - they have been acknowledged with the grace and strength that I have learned from so many that surround me - many of them reading this very post.

I post today in reflection of my journey as a blogger ... as a creative being who has seemingly found a place to lay out her transformation - the transformation of a young woman as she becomes entranced by the resilient life and culture that has surrounded her for so many years.

In six short months, I have carved out my little space in the blogosphere - but as you may have noticed with my constant tweaking and changing of layouts, I do not rest. I'm always in search of more - a dynamic experience that keeps you guessing whats next for Dixie Lust. I have been consumed with my little creation - not only wondering how I can delve more deeply into my culture but also racking my brain how I can better myself as a blogger.

Recently I was e-mailing with my "soul sister", Summer. And as we talked about the corner stone of blogging, writing, I shared one of my countless theories. We are all amazing writers - but each of us has a specific strength in writing that we need to discover and nurture. Some of us can make readers snort with raucous laughter as they scroll through our posts *cough* KLaw *cough* Some of us write with such beautifully uncensored emotion that whether we are downtrodden with despair or holding our breaths with the deepest hope, our readers guts feel the pangs of the same emotion. (Hola Dim Sum) And then some of us have the ability to go through our dashboard and respond to each and every post with the same genuine outpouring of compassion and selfless love. (Hey Hey KS)

In the past weeks, with a new year - a new decade looming in the near future, I have shackled myself with countless questions about Dixie Lust. What sort of writer am I? Where do my strengths lie? Why did I start it? What subjects should it be covering? What subjects are off limits? How do I relay the message that I want to send? And for that matter, what isss the message I'm trying to send? I've been so consumed with these thoughts - that last week I had the most ludicrous but enlightening dream. Yes. I dreamt about my blog.

I dreamt that LyLa and I literally walked our way to Houston - a pilgrimage of sorts, you could say. A pilgrimage of what you ask? A pilgrimage to see my high school Creative Writing Teacher, Ms. Genie. We trekked up the interstate for days, and when we finally got there, Lyla left me to my search. I stumbled upon my former teacher cleaning out her garage - and I began frantically explaining the concept of my blog. I began rattling off all the questions I had - and searched her eyes for some sort of direction. (Seriously.) She silently reached into a box and pulled out my writing portfolio from my senior year - and simply said, "The answers lie in here."

A bit dramatic, a smidgen of whack, but...that's how I tend to roll in my dreams. When I awoke from my dream, I headed out to my own garage and went directly to an old hutch. I opened the creaking door and inside, exactly where I knew it would be, was my writing portfolio, aptly titled "Metamorphosis." Inside, I found exactly what I needed.

I can't fully explain whats in my mind and whats in my heart, but I can say that 2010 will be Dixie Lust's year. I will bridge the gap between my being a blogger and my being a writer. There will be changes around here - some noticeable (Anyone else spot a new layout on the horizon?) and some will be changes that only I can feel (more direction and thought into my posts, perhaps?) I've refocused myself on what I'm here to do - what I'm here to say. Dixie Lust will be something more. I will be something more.

Stick around.

2010 - It's going to blow your mind.

A Little Social Indulgence...

Hiya Pretty People...

I want to first off thank everyone for all the kind and beautiful words that have been sent my way. I have been reading each and every one that hits my inbox. I'm still an emo-cheese-ball so they're mainly making me tear-up but I'm taking them to heart and smiling knowing that I have so many kind and loving people who are here to support me no matter how crazy things get.

This weekend despite a few breakdowns over Big Macs and cheese fries, I've decided to get off my bum and make myself happy in other aspects of my life. While I'm feeling deprived in the health aspect, I figured there was no need to deprive myself in the social & small indulgences aspects.

I put on a cheery new fall sweater and took Ollie-Monster for a walk on Main Street. I took about 30 bubble baths complete with candles. I napped for 3 hours on Saturday. I got all dolled up - complete with red lips and a flouncy skirt - for a girls night out. I met up with my college friend Jake (seriously how can you not adore a boy who hugs you and cheesily whispers for you to "melt into him like fondue" - or swears that he would make clay pots just so he could cook for you?) I watched my LSU Tigers dominate. I followed along for my first ever UFC fight. I had a beer...or two. I laughed at iPhone typos with SKing. I talked to the boy that I had my eye on. I went to the dog park. I made friends with strangers. I planned a small get away trip

The things that I talked about in my last post are still in the back of my mind, but right now I'm focusing on the little things that I can control and finding the small things that make me feel amazing and full of life.

I'm not sure how posting will go this week - I have loads of posts I'm behind on, including an awesome guest post from my gorgeous friend Ashley, but this week looks to be a little bit crowded and I'm still trying to sneak in some me time.

I promise I'll be around soon to catch up on everyone's blogs and to spread some love.

Again, thank you to all of you from the bottom of my heart.

You're amazing.

Being Real...

I've been writing this post in my head for nearly a week now...But as soon as I'd sit down to write it, I felt the sudden pangs of fear and guilt.

This rush of self consciousness feels as if its brand new to me - I've never felt so aware of myself and of my words - more specifically the effect my words have on the way others perceive me.

While I'm not new to writing, I'm new to blogging. And trust me - there is a difference. I've had a ton of people read my poetry and my short stories. I've never had this many people witnessing my thoughts and emotions - deep, happy, sad, superficial... all of em - as they occur.

and sometimes that scares the ever-livin-spit out of me.

I'm not so worried about all my fellow bloggers,... you guys are here on a daily basis to share the crazy ups and downs that life hands us all. You are the ones who constantly remind me that in being real - flaws and all - you keep pure. And that's what I want out of this blog... a place where I can share myself in an unadulterated pure way.

I have this fear of people I actually know ruining this for me. I cringe thinking that someone I know will read my words and twist and mutilate them until they represent something I never intended them to be.

I have a fear of people I actually know reading a post or two and thinking they know exactly what I'm about. Please give me more credit than that. You can't form an opinion on who I am from two paragraphs and some iPhone photos.

I started this blog as an outlet for my pent up energy; I started this blog as a way of documenting my life at a time where I'm constantly changing and discovering myself. I'm at a point where I'm unsure of a lot in my life and emotions switch on an off like a light switch and it seems like putting it all out there makes it a bit easier to see where I stand.

And due to the all of the vague and emotionally charged reasoning above, I've kept relatively quiet about somethings that are going on with me. I've been blogging with the idea of only posting the good will make me feel good.

Wrong.

I'm still overwhelmed, bummed, and sometimes I'm even angry with myself.

This week, the ever beautiful and completely real KLaw wrote a post about being real and sharing the good annnd the not so lovely. I've been really thinking about it and if she can have the *oomph* to call out bloggers who aren't keeping it real, I can post about what I'm feeling these days.

Read it. Don't read it. Follow. Don't follow.

Take what you want from it all.

This is me.

Last week, I posted a little list of things that were going on in my life and I tried to subtly slip in the fact that I'm diabetic. Some of you were very kind and sent me some resources - thank you. I'm taking full advantage of them. Some of you were so sweet - that you sent me kind words and offered me a place to vent and whine.

I think now is the time and the place where I'd like to cash in those "cry & moan" vouchers.

It is what it is. I'm not sitting alone in some dark corner crying my eyes out thinking I'm going to die or some crazy meshugeneh mess like that. I know its manageable. I know a lot of people have it - including some of you who are reading right now.

But it is a life change.

I have questions and I have fears. I can feel completely overwhelmed by information and in the same breath feel at a complete loss for answers when it comes to my questions.

It's such a weird thing - diabetes. It's so unique to each person on each day. I feel like there's no exact formula to have it managed at any given time of day. Everything I do seems to affect it - sleep, exercise, food.... It seems like its a whole lot of figuring out what works for me. And I know I'll get to that point, but at week #2 its frustrating.

If I'm being completely honest - and I am - the past 24 years have been a complete crap shoot when it came to consciously taking care of my body. I mean I didn't go around in search of dirty germ infested doorknobs to lick - but I've barely exercised. I haven't eat fruits or vegetables. I 've eaten like I wanted when I wanted. I've never been self-conscious of my body or my habits. To be honest, for being a twenty something girl, my self esteem has been pretty high.

Now, let me pause and say this, you can go ahead and put the blame on me right here and say "Well you didn't take care of yourself - what did you expect?" Touche, mon frere. I guess I just figured I was keeping my head above water since I was never one to get sick.

In the blink of an eye, I'm feeling very different about my body. Granted there are days when I feel on top of everything - like I'm in control of this taking care of myself and I'm loving learning more about how my body works. But then there are days where I feel like it's a bit too much. I end up feeling defeated and confused.

Everything has changed in the matter of a few days. I'm forcing down spinach and apples. I'm putting my ass on the treadmill even when I come home dead tired from work. I'm constantly counting numbers of whats going into my body. It just doesn't seem like much fun yet.

The medicine and this meal plan I'm on have me losing about half a pound a day. I don't even know if this is normal. And instead of feeling excited and motivated by my weight loss of 13 lbs so far, I feel frumpier than ever. I'm wondering how long this lasts or if something will make me gain it all back in an instant. I'm feeling disgusting and some days I even start to hate my body...something that's completely new to me. I get out of bed not even wanting to try to pull it all together - and those are the days that I run into old dates that never panned out. In the moments I need to feel self-assured and sassy, I feel like shrinking away.

I find myself distracted - all the time. It's a constant inner monologue of what I'm doing to my body and seeing if it matches up with whats on the papers from the doctor. It's wondering how on earth ketchup has 4 grams of carbs per tablespoon - and questioning how you can eat sweet potato fries with only a tablespoon of ketchup. It's trying to figure out why I'm the youngest in my family to have this - despite the fact that my parents do not. It's being so angry at restaurants for the obscene amounts of carbs and sugars that they put into their "healthy" food.

Today I even had a lustful daydream about a cupcake - yellow with real buttercream piled up with soft little chocolate jimmy sprinkles.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a wobbly little cycle. I'm scared about the choices I have before me. Then I become indignant and reckless and make the wrong choice even though I know its wrong. And then I feel guilty about what I've done which makes me even more scared about the next choices coming along.

I don't mean so sound helpless and like such a victim. I know that there are plenty of diabetics that manage it and "cheat" every once and a while. But I also know there are several who choose to ignore their diagnosis, and live however they damn well please. The disease gets worse, yet they don't change. I refuse to be that person.

There's a lot going on in my head these days. A lot of questions. Some of you may even have some answers. But that's not what I'm looking for tonight. It's only week 2 of this life change and I see my doctor next week - I know a lot of this will fall away peacefully with some time and patience.

Again, I'm not looking for answers for everything I've said here. I'm not even looking for answers on diet and exercise - I know what I have to do when it comes to all that ... It's all on paper. Tonight, I'm just in need of a way with dealing with the mental and emotional side of it all.

It's only week 2 and I'm exhausted.

OMG, is Confucius on Twitter? Like Whoa

Recently I read a little something (probably on Twitter - how philosophical of moi) that talked about how everyone comments on how fast the week, month, year etc. seems to go by but no one ever stops to realize that it's simply the pace of life.

[Yeah... let's let that one sink in for a bit. I'll wait right here]

I blew it off at first but it's become one of those nagging thoughts that keeps thrashing around and making its way to the front of my mind. And the more I think about it all - the pace of everyday life, the significance of the insignificant, the act of living your life with purpose - the more questions I have for myself.

I don't mean to be stuck inside my head or bring down the mood of the Blogger party - because it's not like that at all. I just simply want to be better.

It seems like time is flying by, but realizing that it'll never slow down - I want to make more of what I'm doing with it.

I feel like this blog - with it's ability to chronicle the little things, push me to do more, and let me meet so many amazing people - is a jump start. But as the story with most, I want more.

I'm sure this seems vague and out of left field to some of you kids, but just go with it.

"Embrace it. Fear it."

(To be truthful, I have no clue what the above means and I'm pretty sure it's a direct quote from The Lizzie Mcguire Movie but I tend to use it for any given situation - so just go with it)

Just a Thought....

There are just some days when I wish I knew where I'd be in 3, 5, and 10 years from now... Just so I'd know where to focus my energy and time in the present.