I've been writing this post in my head for nearly a week now...But as soon as I'd sit down to write it, I felt the sudden pangs of fear and guilt.
This rush of self consciousness feels as if its brand new to me - I've never felt so aware of myself and of my words - more specifically the effect my words have on the way others perceive me.
While I'm not new to writing, I'm new to blogging. And trust me - there is a difference. I've had a ton of people read my poetry and my short stories. I've never had this many people witnessing my thoughts and emotions - deep, happy, sad, superficial... all of em - as they occur.
and sometimes that scares the ever-livin-spit out of me.
I'm not so worried about all my fellow bloggers,... you guys are here on a daily basis to share the crazy ups and downs that life hands us all. You are the ones who constantly remind me that in being real - flaws and all - you keep pure. And that's what I want out of this blog... a place where I can share myself in an unadulterated pure way.
I have this fear of people I actually know ruining this for me. I cringe thinking that someone I know will read my words and twist and mutilate them until they represent something I never intended them to be.
I have a fear of people I actually know reading a post or two and thinking they know exactly what I'm about. Please give me more credit than that. You can't form an opinion on who I am from two paragraphs and some iPhone photos.
I started this blog as an outlet for my pent up energy; I started this blog as a way of documenting my life at a time where I'm constantly changing and discovering myself. I'm at a point where I'm unsure of a lot in my life and emotions switch on an off like a light switch and it seems like putting it all out there makes it a bit easier to see where I stand.
And due to the all of the vague and emotionally charged reasoning above, I've kept relatively quiet about somethings that are going on with me. I've been blogging with the idea of only posting the good will make me feel good.
Wrong.
I'm still overwhelmed, bummed, and sometimes I'm even angry with myself.
This week, the ever beautiful and completely real KLaw wrote a post about being real and sharing the good annnd the not so lovely. I've been really thinking about it and if she can have the *oomph* to call out bloggers who aren't keeping it real, I can post about what I'm feeling these days.
Read it. Don't read it. Follow. Don't follow.
Take what you want from it all.
This is me.
Last week, I posted a little list of things that were going on in my life and I tried to subtly slip in the fact that I'm diabetic. Some of you were very kind and sent me some resources - thank you. I'm taking full advantage of them. Some of you were so sweet - that you sent me kind words and offered me a place to vent and whine.
I think now is the time and the place where I'd like to cash in those "cry & moan" vouchers.
It is what it is. I'm not sitting alone in some dark corner crying my eyes out thinking I'm going to die or some crazy meshugeneh mess like that. I know its manageable. I know a lot of people have it - including some of you who are reading right now.
But it is a life change.
I have questions and I have fears. I can feel completely overwhelmed by information and in the same breath feel at a complete loss for answers when it comes to my questions.
It's such a weird thing - diabetes. It's so unique to each person on each day. I feel like there's no exact formula to have it managed at any given time of day. Everything I do seems to affect it - sleep, exercise, food.... It seems like its a whole lot of figuring out what works for me. And I know I'll get to that point, but at week #2 its frustrating.
If I'm being completely honest - and I am - the past 24 years have been a complete crap shoot when it came to consciously taking care of my body. I mean I didn't go around in search of dirty germ infested doorknobs to lick - but I've barely exercised. I haven't eat fruits or vegetables. I 've eaten like I wanted when I wanted. I've never been self-conscious of my body or my habits. To be honest, for being a twenty something girl, my self esteem has been pretty high.
Now, let me pause and say this, you can go ahead and put the blame on me right here and say "Well you didn't take care of yourself - what did you expect?" Touche, mon frere. I guess I just figured I was keeping my head above water since I was never one to get sick.
In the blink of an eye, I'm feeling very different about my body. Granted there are days when I feel on top of everything - like I'm in control of this taking care of myself and I'm loving learning more about how my body works. But then there are days where I feel like it's a bit too much. I end up feeling defeated and confused.
Everything has changed in the matter of a few days. I'm forcing down spinach and apples. I'm putting my ass on the treadmill even when I come home dead tired from work. I'm constantly counting numbers of whats going into my body. It just doesn't seem like much fun yet.
The medicine and this meal plan I'm on have me losing about half a pound a day. I don't even know if this is normal. And instead of feeling excited and motivated by my weight loss of 13 lbs so far, I feel frumpier than ever. I'm wondering how long this lasts or if something will make me gain it all back in an instant. I'm feeling disgusting and some days I even start to hate my body...something that's completely new to me. I get out of bed not even wanting to try to pull it all together - and those are the days that I run into old dates that never panned out. In the moments I need to feel self-assured and sassy, I feel like shrinking away.
I find myself distracted - all the time. It's a constant inner monologue of what I'm doing to my body and seeing if it matches up with whats on the papers from the doctor. It's wondering how on earth ketchup has 4 grams of carbs per tablespoon - and questioning how you can eat sweet potato fries with only a tablespoon of ketchup. It's trying to figure out why I'm the youngest in my family to have this - despite the fact that my parents do not. It's being so angry at restaurants for the obscene amounts of carbs and sugars that they put into their "healthy" food.
Today I even had a lustful daydream about a cupcake - yellow with real buttercream piled up with soft little chocolate jimmy sprinkles.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a wobbly little cycle. I'm scared about the choices I have before me. Then I become indignant and reckless and make the wrong choice even though I know its wrong. And then I feel guilty about what I've done which makes me even more scared about the next choices coming along.
I don't mean so sound helpless and like such a victim. I know that there are plenty of diabetics that manage it and "cheat" every once and a while. But I also know there are several who choose to ignore their diagnosis, and live however they damn well please. The disease gets worse, yet they don't change. I refuse to be that person.
There's a lot going on in my head these days. A lot of questions. Some of you may even have some answers. But that's not what I'm looking for tonight. It's only week 2 of this life change and I see my doctor next week - I know a lot of this will fall away peacefully with some time and patience.
Again, I'm not looking for answers for everything I've said here. I'm not even looking for answers on diet and exercise - I know what I have to do when it comes to all that ... It's all on paper. Tonight, I'm just in need of a way with dealing with the mental and emotional side of it all.
It's only week 2 and I'm exhausted.
